This is one of my favorite references especially when I reference relationships regarding family, friends, and significant others. I used this “saying” at my maid-of-honor speech for one of my high school friends. Do I have still have a relationship with her? No. Have I tried to fix it? Yes. A couple times actually, over fakebook! However, I can only do so much. I truly believe relationships are a two way street, not a one way. If you are giving all of your energy and it is not reciprocated, you may want to make it a one way, and that is ok.
I obviously grew up with my high school friend and we played sports together. She is intelligent, athletic, musically talented, well liked, and most of all, successful. She recovered my spot on the basketball team when I tore my ACL. Was I upset? Of course, however she did everything she could to keep the team successful, it is in her nature. I think I was more upset at the knee injury then her replacing me. I actually wasn’t replaced, but those were my thoughts back then. Right now, I think of it as her stepping up to the plate as best as she could.
She was 2 years younger than me growing up. I graduated high school and we kept in contact for a little bit. You know how we always say, “we are going to be friends forever!” How many friendships do you have that have lasted forever? I have kept in touch with individuals, however the BFF saying is over rated. You don’t have to be the best, you have to make an effort for a relationship to stay alive. Moving forward.
She met someone in college and was going to get married. I remember spying on her MySpace account, yes, MySpace. Aging myself here. Definitely better than fakebook. It was your space. There was a category regarding if you had “met someone.” I usually looked at this category and thought if you met someone famous. Hers read…I met him. I contacted her regarding this and she unfolded the story to me. Then…I was asked to be her maid-of-honor. Ugh.
I was not in the right frame of mind when she asked me this duty. My parents had just split up and were starting their divorce. I was numb to the whole marriage thing. I asked her if she could find someone else. My heart was not in it to win it at the time, which was selfish for me to think. It wasn’t about me, it was about her and her celebration with a wonderful man. I felt like she asked me because it would look good having someone from high school being in the wedding. I did not know any of the other girls in the wedding, they were from her college basketball team. I definitely felt like an outcast, not only for the wedding part, but from my failed parents’ relationship. I was devastated to the core.
She came to visit in Billings months or a year before her day and she cried about how she wasn’t here for me when I was going through my parents separation. I blew it off, I had a tough exterior. Told her, “Not a big deal, but thanks.” However, when I traveled up to West Yellowstone for her weekend, my exterior fell apart. I got so drunk and was unable to make it to the pre-wedding adventures. I didn’t even care. It was the first time I was in my home town since the falling out of my “look good on the outside” family dysfunction saga. I felt uncomfortable, I didn’t know any of the other bridesmaids and there was actually 2 maid-of-honors. I skipped out on the bachelorette party as well months before. I warned her she should have chosen someone else.
Alcohol was definitely my friend during this weekend. Pictures looked happy though, they always do. We made it to the reception, finally. Did I write a speech? Nope. Guess what speech I gave? You got it, the title of this blog. I felt like I did an amazing job! Spiced it up with the MySpace addition. Reason, Season, or a Lifetime. I had examples for each word, and of course, the future and how we were going to be friends for a lifetime. Well, I lied in my speech. I didn’t keep my oath. I didn’t care at the time, it sounded good, right? That is all that matters during the moment. Just like fakebook.
A couple months later I messaged her on fakebook and asked if she received my gift card. Boy, did I get a response back! She was in medical school at the time, she had 250 plus guests, and she was working on finals, AND I pretty much failed her during her time of happiness. What did I react? I was pissed, I was angry, it wasn’t my fault, it was hers!! I told her I didn’t want to be in the wedding in the first place!! She created this!!
How wrong was I? I was so wrong, but I wasn’t going to own up to it at the time. She didn’t have my best intentions at heart. Right? Wrong. I should have been there for her, I should have been so freaking happy that she chose me! I should have done everything I could to make her wedding the best. She didn’t fail me, I failed her! I failed for a reason, I failed for a season, and I sure did fail for the long haul.
However, I tried to reconnect and that is all you can do. I understand how I hurt her now. I respect her distance. Will it last a season or a lifetime? I have no idea. For right now, there are two one way streets and guess what? That is ok. You just keep doing the best you can in the moment. You cannot change the past, you can only live in the moment, and be present for the next day, which may be a lifetime.
Brooke's Honest and Truth Blog, RN 