352-You Know Where I Am Going

If you read my previous post, you already know what you are about to read. I am going into a dark place, a dark experience, rather. However, now I know there is always light at the end of the tunnel, if the tunnel is open. This experience occurred maybe 4-5 years ago. Mom with Breast Cancer. Two Daughters, my age. One Loving Husband. This Mom had fought the fight for awhile. She is strong, resilient, and a rare case for surviving the time frame for what her body was rejecting. I remember sitting out at the nurses’ station and the Oncologist showed up, and I could already feel the bad news coming her way into 352. I didn’t need him to tell me. After awhile, (This MD spends a lot of time with his patients), million steps ahead, came out and informed me. “Ok, I had a feeling that is what is going on.” “Did you discuss code status?” “Brooke, I don’t think we are there yet.” “Yes we are,” was what my mind was telling me. You want to know why? Because, I had so many past experiences where the MD tells their patient, “There is nothing else we can do, I’m sorry,” which indicates to the receiving brain, “You are done, time to fear or time to be at peace.” Depends on the person. This Mom, I feel, told herself, “I am done suffering, but what about my family?”

What comes next? Mom experiencing excruciating pain, she let her courage and fight down which is okay. That whole shift, I was trying to keep up on her pain, requesting more or different pain medications. Nothing was working. So, maybe she was more fearful than what I had thought. The night RN came on, one of my good friends at the time, so I trusted that Mom was in good hands. She would be able to figure out a good pain regimen, I was hopeful she would get it done. Mom rested peacefully that night.

I came back the next day and I remember instantly thinking, “I need to get the code status changed.” This was my priority today because I feel something is going to happen. What am I creating here? Think about that. I get report from my peer saying she got a pain medication dose to work. She had given it twice. It was definitely a higher dose, however, Mom needed it for so many reasons besides pain. After I sat down for a couple minutes, her call light turns on. I instantly go in. “Brooke, I am in pain.” Ok, I will be right back.” I always keep my word. I got the dosage, still feeling anxious about the whole code status situation. I go into the room and administer the pain medication. “Brooke, I have to go to the bathroom.” Oh man, I just gave her a hefty dose, is she going to be ok to go to the bathroom? I get the walker, she looked like she had aged twenty years overnight. We get into the bathroom and her breathing changes, her head drops, and she is dying. I pulled the bathroom cord and I call for help on my communication device we wear. Why is it taking everyone so long to get here?????!!! Hurry!!! My CNA comes in finally, and I tell her to go get a wheelchair. I get her into the wheelchair and tell the CNA to hit the code button. We lift her out of the wheelchair and back in the bed. Medical staff start pouring in and they are about to start CPR. The Husband runs in and says, “No. Let her go.” I walked out of the room, I see the Daughters start crying. I shook my head saying, “I’m Sorry.” I rush to the phone and call the Oncologist to get the code order. “I need it now!” I got it, it was over. I started crying and walking away, I couldn’t take it. Second time in my Nursing career I cried. Nope. Third. Just remembered another experience.

A couple months later, I received an angel pin from the Foundation, so did my fellow friend, and they wanted a picture of me. Usually, I don’t like attention as you already know, however, I gave in. My picture was taken to where 352 was in the back ground and guess what? The call light was on in the picture. I hadn’t noticed it till months later. Details are important.

So, did I manifest this situation from the beginning by being so worried about the code status? Did my fear create this situation? Remember, what stress creates……more stress. Maybe, if I would have been more peaceful, the situation could have changed and resulted in a more peaceful outcome. I will never know, but do you know what I do now going forward? Keep positive and hope the positive energy is transferred to other individuals to make the best decisions for the best outcomes. Give it a try. What do you have to lose?