Testing the Waters

As I was about to give huddle to my oncoming night shift, I opened the breakroom door and instantly heard a nurse say, “she’s behind you.” Their conversation ceased, and they looked nervous. Back in the day my mind would go wild with negative thoughts! What were they talking about? What did I do wrong? Why would they be talking about me? Why don’t they like me? Why are they talking about me behind my back? I have been running into this a lot lately. I come around the corner and conversations are shushed. Let me tell you something. I know I am not creating drama. Gave it up. I go about my day, making the effort to be positive, and not let negative thoughts in. People don’t like it!!!! As I have said before, I surround myself with hard workers, successful people, people who want to make a difference in their patient’s lives. People who are meant to be nurses, to make someone’s shittiest day better, somewhat brighter., are my people! Nurses who have time to talk bad about people, especially their coworkers who strive for excellence, need a wake up call. They will get it. I used to be one of them. Drama filled chatter made me feel better. I was putting people down to lift myself up. It’s what negative people do. Let me tell you though, I vented to the wrong people because karma would bite me back every time. Time after time. I would lie and say, “I didn’t say that. Where did you hear that from?” Running backwards is too much work. It’s like a marathon. You get tired. However, people like being tired. People feel bad for you then, attention getter. Being honest here.

When I select my tribe these days, I test the waters. As nurses, you need someone to trust when you are frustrated with individuals who have the potential, but don’t use it. They rather cut corners, and I have the hardest time understanding this! I don’t get it and sometimes I slip. I say something, but I try to put it into words knowing if it got back to me, I would own up to it, and have it be a positive learning curve. I don’t have anything to hide anymore. Too old for the drama. It took me a good 38 years to get there, but I am here. My tribe is supportive and understand the frustrations I endeavor. They can relate because they are experiencing it too. Those are your people! I had one friend tell me a month back that my peers were talking bad about me. I didn’t even ask what about? I simply said, “I really don’t care. ” Because I know they are either miserable with their own lives, or threatened by success. Why are people threatened by success? Because they think they don’t have it in them. They do though! They just haven’t been taught. They don’t have great mentors. Well, Brooke, “Why don’t you mentor them?” I have tried to show them what great experiences look like. They just don’t buy into it. I’ll keep showing and showing, but people who are not ready to accept it, they are simply not ready. Am I hopeful for them one day? Yes. However, they need to pick a different tribe in the meantime.

My brother and I haven’t talked shy of 11 months now. I take that back, we talked once and it was the most rushed conversation I have had. I have texted him quite a few times. Now, I would talk ill about him before and not understand. Present moment, I don’t need to understand what is going on in his life, it’s not about me. I have a nephew which I was not a huge part of his life when he was first born. I was simply not a kid person. Could I have made more of an effort to make time for him? Absolutely. But, back in the day, it wasn’t my priority. I feel that is what has happened and I am being on the sideline these days. I hated being on the sidelines with basketball, felt like I did something wrong. As I am reminiscing about this, I’m thinking my coach knew I needed a little rest. A little break to gather my thoughts and execute better once my head was clear. So, maybe I am being sidelined as of right now. I have accepted it. People come around when they want to come around. I know some of my family read my blogs. I understand this is a whole new Brooke. They may feel jolted by how fast the change was, and it doesn’t feel realistic. I can understand that, however, I am not changing it! Not for anyone! This journey is just getting started. Yes, I have my down days still, but I pick up an inspirational book, a spiritual book, positive affirmations, and my day turns around. I surround myself with like minded people. It’s the only way forward. Hot water, you get burnt. Cold water, you wake up. I rather stay cool, calm, and collected these days. How about you?