When Anxiety Comes Back

Read something on my phone the other day and it read, ” Never be a prisoner of your past. It was a just a lesson, not a life sentence.” Well, I read it and guess what I did, became a prisoner of old habits. Now, I feel like this is okay, if it is not long lived. But why does this occur? Triggers. My triggers are: not being good enough, perfectionism, confidence, and change. These are also triggers of my many readers, I just know it. I started my coaching business a couple months ago, it’s a process. I know I am good at it, I feel empowered, however, is it truly where I belong? So, this is where I go down the rabbit hole. I know I am good at being a nurse. My patient’s are taken care of and it fills my soul, however, I don’t want to work for a broken system. Do I think there is a change coming? Absolutely. So, am I waiting for this change? Or is it summer? Or I am in a new and wonderful relationship and I just want to live my life for once? OR, is the timing off for something new right now?

A, B, or C? D, all of the above. As I sit here and write this, I haven’t picked up a fiction book just to get my imagination going. I feel guilty because there is so much more I could be doing to better myself in order to help others. Why do I feel guilty? Because I am focused on me right now and it doesn’t feel right. It is super uncomfortable. I feel guilty sitting here writing this. However, I am ok with taking naps per usual. It is my escape from reality. What if you create your own reality? Things I have thought in the past have come true. It’s all about timing. I know I can excel at what I put my mind too, I just don’t want to right now. I feel numb. Not depressed, just numb. If my anxiety and depression were only lessons, when will they be done being taught? The day where I don’t give them time, or I can control my thoughts. Which I know I can, just some days it is harder than others. Do you agree? Some days I feel defeated, guess what I do? I go to bed early because I know when I wake up, it’s a new day and the past is in the past. I can’t fix it, it was a lesson.

So what am I choosing going forward? Good question. I brought this up with my counselor the other day. I was all upset at the fact I felt like I was a failure in my coaching business. Her reply, ‘ you are just getting started. ” “Why do I feel like I have to be doing something all the time?” Learned behavior from life lessons and things I read, saying I am not going to get anywhere if I don’t put the work in. My counselor just looked at me and said, “When are you are just going to take time for you and have fun?” I broke down because I don’t know what that looks like. Yes, I have been on vacations, I have experienced fun in so many ways, I just feel like a prisoner in my own thoughts. They are nobody else’s thoughts, they are mine. You have to free yourself of this mindset. Five years and counting. Trust the process they say. I have worked and worked so hard in therapy to free myself, and I have in many ways, but sometimes the chains reappear. And you know what? It’s ok. I know how to work through it even if I regress for just a little while. I will rebound back. You just have to stay positive and know you are enough. I texted this on my phone the other day. ” What makes you excited about the future? You don’t wake up broken.

You don’t wake up broken. How can you? The moment you open your eyes, think of it as a new adventure, it’s a new day, a new start. You are in control or your own life, no one else’s Be grateful, guide yourself through each day knowing it is going to be okay. If you knew this life was just the beginning of many lives ahead, what are you so worried about?