The Power of X

The symbol X represents the unknown, secrecy, danger and the end. The power of the unknown has been upon me lately. Not in a bad way, but in a way where the road less traveled by, is confusing me. Why? This is the first summer where I have not worked myself to death, I actually am enjoying life, however, I am not able to find my passion in what I want to do. I know I am passionate about being a nurse, but what kind of nurse? I know I haven’t been writing as much either. Sometimes, I feel I have nothing to say because I feel my writing is not serving well. So, I asked a friend the other day if I am being repetitive with my blog, and I received the answer, “no.” It’s all in my head. The X file. During this last year, maybe two years, I have been able to let go of drama and just be. This is why I feel I haven’t had much to write about which is good in a way, but I thought I enjoyed writing. I guess what I am trying to get at here is, I am in a transition phase and it is uncomfortable, but needed.

I like structure. Why I would have been great in the military. What got in the way? Exes. There is it. You have exes and you have X. How much power do we give our exes? Wow, back in the day, going to go with my twenties, lots of power. I cared so much about the drama, the petty things, why not me? You meet and date people who fit you for that time. I just read the other day, that the people you date and become in a relationship with are people who are mirroring you. Now, this was a super hard message to grasp. You may not agree with me, but that’s ok. Open mind. They reveal to you what you need to develop in yourself. Read that again.

In my past relationships, which have been quite a few, not going to lie here, I have learned a lot about myself. They taught me and I am super grateful for this. Actually beyond grateful. I wouldn’t be here writing, I wouldn’t be in the transitional phase, I wouldn’t be living life without drama, and most important, I wouldn’t be this happy. Little stressed about X, but happy for whatever is to come my way. Now, not saying I am going to sit here and wait for what is to come, but I need to learn to be ok with finding what truly makes me thrive. I need to be okay with sitting down and reading a book out of pure enjoyment. I need to be ok with knowing I am good enough. I need to be ok with knowing I am great with whatever I choose to do. At 39, I realized it is not all about work, it’s about liking your work, doing your best at it with a positive attitude, but also living a life with love. I always had a hard time saying the L word to family, friends, and relationships. But you have to love yourself in order to get it out there. Say it to others. They need to hear it as well, because they may be struggling in the self confidence arena.

The X factor. Friend or foe. You are the one to decide this. Whatever relationship you are in, you have to realize they are helping you in someway to better yourself, whether that is strength to let go because you love yourself more than staying with someone who is not serving you mindfully anymore. Or, they are strengthening and encouraging the love you deserve for yourself. You have to look at it as a win win because if you don’t, you are being defensive and defending yourself all the time gets tiring. Offense gets you a further ahead in the game. So right now, I am looking at the X factor as a positive experience. Going into the unknown because the future is unknown. The only moment you have is the present moment. When are you going to let the past go?