Avoidance

So, I have a MD friend who gave me a book called, “How to Know a Person,” by David Brooks. Maybe it was the last name of the author and he saw my name and it resonated. No, that is not the reason. When a person reads a book and it identifies with someone they know, they are wanting you to read a message. I started this book a couple of weeks ago because I want to see how I can get to know people better. It’s actually teaching me how to know myself better. The title above, that describes me. My therapist calls it a wall, I call it a shield. Where do we learn how to build this shield? It starts at the beginning of your journey.

There are a couple of other defense words this author describes, but this one fits me best. The summary of avoidance is essentially emotions and relationships have hurt me, so therefore I will minimize these emotions to protect myself. Are you reading yourself here? We are so hell bent on not letting things go that affected us negatively, so it starts building our shield to where we don’t let anyone in. People who avoid are hard workers, (guilty), self-sufficient, (guilty), fears intimacy in regards that it will pin us down, (guilty), and this last one I’m not too sure about but could be true, is we are so positive, so we don’t display vulnerability. I’m somewhat positive, but now outrageously glowing and seeing rainbows and butterflies everywhere. That is just not me. I just show it differently.

So, all of the relationships that I have had, failed, or they have failed me. This is not only significant others, but also friends, family, and work related. We as a collective have had more failed relationships in our life than successful ones. It’s true. If you are opposite, good for you! I do mean that in a loving way. Now, the relationship I am in now, is quite complex for me, due to my inability to break down this shield I have grown for a very long time. This person wants to love me unconditionally and it feels stressful. The reason why it is stressful is because I have identified myself as being a self-sufficient nurse, who has poured her heart and soul into helping others that I forgot what it feels like for someone to help me. It feels foreign. That is because I identify as a nurse, not as a person, or as an individual. My work is my identity. However, I have to unlearn this because I am realizing that I am made for more in this world. I am a soul put on this land to help others, but I need to let people in. Most importantly, the ones that want too! I know I will do my best going forward, and if I know that, I put the effort in. I have let go if I am always the one calling or checking in. If it reciprocated, you have found a true soulmate. If not, they truly don’t have your best interest at heart. Friend or significant other.

In conclusion, 2024 is the year we let things go. I will truly work on letting the avoidance shield down. Accept people who want to be a part of my life. The year of opportunity. The year to truly shine! I’m cheering for you! Let that shield down and let others see your vulnerability. The only growth you have is if you show your weaknesses, because this is where you learn, this is where they become your strengths, only if you let them.