All Over

So, I woke up the other morning and I instantly went to my phone to see how my book was doing. And, I hadn’t sold any for a couple of days and what we call imposter syndrome, came it’s way like lightening. What is imposter syndrome? Imposter syndrome is involving unfounded feelings of self-doubt and incompetence that persist despite your achievements. per Healthline.com. This syndrome is hard to fight because it does come up as a daily basis with me due to my anxiety which has improved but it is still present. I woke up feeling like a failure because my book is not number one. I had a rejection from a social figure which I just reached out on a whim. So, what did this create?

It created an argument with Riley. He was trying to be funny and make a comment and I wanted nothing of it. I was short answered and fired back which I knew it would get a response. We both were then angry towards each other, and he said, “You are the problem.” He walked off and I sat at the kitchen table and I was smirking because how could I be the problem? I just wasn’t in the mood for a funny joke, right? Um, no. I sat there thinking to myself repeating, you are the problem in my head. Then feelings of failure came up because I had been thinking about it earlier and rather telling him I felt like a piece of shit, I shut down and walled up. I didn’t want him to know what I really was feeling because never in my life have I been brutally honest with another person because it makes me feel weak. So rather than tell him what really was going on, I was put in defense mode.

So, after a couple of minutes of self-realization which sometimes it takes an argument from time to time because I don’t know how to be vulnerable with another person who, by the way just wants the best for me, I shut down. I started crying because I knew at this moment, I had to tell him the truth. I had to tell him; I was disgusted with myself. I felt like I was stuck, and I was truly lost on what the hell I was doing with my life. Back in the day when these feelings came up, I would take a pill and sleep the day away. You can’t do this if you want to have a successful relationship. You can’t hide. You have to become open to the fact that this a relationship to make each other grow. And the only way to do this is being a cheerleader for one another. I have never let any other past relationship get to this point where I had to express my feelings. So, I will semi thank Riley because this is really hard for me to do, lol. And this is what he needs because he can’t guess what is going on my head unless I verbalize it. Ugh, the crumbling of the armor that surrounds my heart.

So, this had me thinking about relationship arguments. Is it truly us feeling negative thoughts or hearing them and shutting down because we don’t want to show our true selves? We don’t want to seem weak. We want to be better than the other one. What is it?? So, we start an argument because we don’t want to face our darkest thoughts. If we clearly communicated our needs when we are in negative land which is also called fear, maybe our significant other would understand better. We need to open up to what is scaring us so we can get some reassurance. Perfectionists definitely need this. We are so hard on ourselves for not being perfect or feeling we are not succeeding. I honestly think I was put in this relationship to break the wall I have around me. It’s starting to crumble, and maybe my true self is starting to shine through.

The other day at counseling I asked her, “what if we are just stars?” Some of us are dim and some are bright. The brightness gets brighter once you find someone you can trust and confide in. But it starts with yourself. You have to shine the brightest light on people because everyone is battling something whether it’s their own thoughts or situations. Why you should always shine the brightest light on other people, to lift them up, to show them they can also open themselves up so their dim light can also shine.