Anger is Fear

I talked about being angry is last week and I wanted to write about it. A text message came through on my phone and it shook me a little. I don’t know if the other person intended to come across short or snide. So, I took the easy route which in fact was the hard route and I got angry. I shut down and I shut off. I was short with the person who is always by my side, and it didn’t seem to get resolved very quickly. Blaming and sarcasm being in the mix as well. When people are angry and when I say people, I mean me, I want the other one to feel what I feel. This is a default to past behavior. This energy obviously has not been resolved and it came out in full force. I can’t even say that it wasn’t intentional. It was.

I was defiant. I was right. I didn’t assume good intentions; I was on the run from being vulnerable because my true feelings felt more detrimental. What were my true feelings? I was questioning myself on if I can truly be happy with my situation, the people in it, and also my work. I put myself into a relationship that values family and that scares the shit out of me. Why? Because it is not known to me. Family SCARES ME. I have messed up; my family has messed up. I feel like it has not been a successful road for me, so for someone to want to support my fears is unknown to me and I get scared. I have been hurt too many times and I am putting negativity first. With that text, I felt threatened, and I also felt used.

Work has also been hard. It hasn’t been rainbows and butterflies lately. It has been tough. You go through this never-ending cycle for a while, and it takes a fight to break it. It takes an argument to wake up and sit with what is important for you. It makes you realize what you want and what you don’t want. It’s scary. During this time, I had to proofread my book that I wrote and as I was reading that, I was reading on all the hurdles I went through to find my new self. It was a slap in the face at the time I was re-reading it. What really stood out was that I determine how my day goes. I set up my present moment. I get to decide if I want to be miserable or not. I choose my actions. My book helped me realize what I want to be. I fell off the cliff for some moments, and it took my own words of encouragement to get back up. Why journaling is so important. You tell yourself things that you may need to read in the future.

Anger is fear. I was fearful I was going to lose my relationship not only with myself, but with others. I was fearful that the real truth had to come out and that truth is letting other people in close to my heart. That is scary for me, and I know is scares others. We don’t know if other people are going to hurt us, but it is a chance we have to take. You cannot control others and their behavior. You have to stay positive. You have to rip all the old layers of yourself and start fresh. Every layer I peel, I feel a sense of vulnerability and I get scared which then leads to anger. I need to keep telling myself, I am my own setback. People may hurt me, let them. If they do, they were not meant for your life. Be yourself, be silly, don’t care what others’ think of you. Become vulnerable, be sad, let yourself be uncomfortable. Be overwhelmed, but don’t be angry with others. Do a check in with yourself, ask for space. Be kind. Be hopeful.