Hope you can resonate with this.

I have kept blank pieces of paper I wrote on when I was feeling depressed and anxious. Here we go…unedited. More to follow…later. The only memory I have of this is, it only made things worse, darker.

I want to be able to accomplish things. I have good intentions, however I cannot execute them. When I am at work, I imagine I have the motivation and will accomplish whatever I am thinking. I get home and I become numb. I feel so overwhelmed with everything. Yes, I get that it is anxiety, but I feel it is not getting any better. I put a puzzle out, it helps. Music drowns out the noise of things I cannot accomplish. My mind is racing all the freaking time. I would love to feel that I actually want to live, I want to go buy new clothes, I want to sit at the coffee shop and read which I like to do, but I feel I have more important things to do when I start reading, then I feel bad for reading. There is no one thinking differently of you when you do those things. How did I get this behavior? Where was it learned? I am not getting it. Why am I fine at work? Because I am preoccupied. Why can’t I do this at home, so very very frustrating. I am scared if I start projects they won’t come out how I envisioned them and that just sucks. I set the bar so freaking high and I feel the only thing that I can reach that high…..is work. Work keeps me sane. how are people so motivated to do things? I know people suffer the same thing I do, so many people in this world, it is just crazy overpopulated. Do I do better in a small town, less people? I mean it is just insane with the amount of people. I am nothing compared to everything out there. So, the things I do at home, they don’t matter.

Date written: unknown. Why did I keep it? Why did people tell me not to work so much? Did they not feel it was my escape at the time? They had no clue. I was hiding. They were seeking. It’s called a wall. Start breaking it down or find a key to unlock. Maybe people seek and find you, to help them.