Uncle Bob-The ending of His Journey, the Starting of Mine

The last time I heard Uncle Bob’s voice was at my Brother’s graduation, which happened to be my Grandpa’s birthday. We were having a celebration party at our house and the phone rang. “I’ll get it!!!” I answered the phone and it was Uncle Bob!! I instantly thought to myself, “Why isn’t he here?” I don’t really remember much of the conversation. The only thing I remember is, I said, “I love you,” before passing the phone on to another family member. Saying, “I love you,” was a rarity in my world. We never said this phrase much as a family. In turn, we showed it by hugs, material things, and a, “great job,” regarding sports or school. It was all I needed at the time, so I thought

Uncle Bob was, “different.” He flew under the radar. He was quiet, however, witty. I always looked forward to being with him. His presence made me calm and he was real. The only times I saw him was when we would travel down to Arizona to see my Grandparents. My Grandpa always intervened and said, “Call me Uncle Jim, makes me feel younger.” Then we would laugh, but I could feel, age feared him. It stripped the title from Bob. I didn’t like it. Uncle Bob was never married, he had some friends. However, they weren’t, “good friends.” From my past questioning to my family, “he hung out with the wrong crowd, and made poor decisions.” One non-poor decision he made was introducing my Dad to my Mom. It got me here today. Thanks Uncle Bob! What didn’t I know…..

As a kid, Uncle Bob was a nerd, not popular, and his Dad was hard on him. He wasn’t the golden child. I don’t know how he was treated in high school. All I know, is my Mom was the shining star. The impact siblings have on each other, whether it’s intentional or not, is detrimental in their upbringing in regards to how they treat each other. I know with my Brother, I felt, I was more of the, “golden child,” due to my achievements. However, I never boasted or threw it in his face. My parent’s actually had a t-shirt made for him on Christmas that read, “I’m Brooke’s Brother.” Funny at the time, right? No, I hated it. Did I express my frustration and my hurt for my brother. No. We couldn’t talk about feelings. Feelings equaled weakness.

Are my Brother and I close now? Not very. We definitely took different paths. However, he was the one to mention I should become a Nurse, so I have him to be forever grateful for pushing me into my direction. I would have been at my funeral a lot earlier if he did not share his wonderful guidance. Helping people has kept me alive, I could see and experience that I was making a difference since completing my Brother’s guidance in becoming a Nurse.

After my Grandpa got back to Arizona from my Brother’s graduation, he went to go check on Uncle Bob. He had committed suicide. My Grandpa, till the day he died, thought someone had murdered him. Why would he think that? You already know. Guilt. Having a guilty conscious is so detrimental to your future. You have to accept your past actions, take responsibility for them, embrace them, and do better next time. You cannot change the past. You can only change the present to enrich the future. Guilt creates fear because you fear karma.

My Grandpa died of Alzheimer’s. I think or I know his guilt reigned on his brain, made him depressed, made him feel pain. I was visiting my Mom in Arizona at the time, and he attacked another resident in a Memory Care facility. He was taken to the hospital and put in restraints. The hospital wanted to put him in a mental facility. I saw and felt he was in pain. I encouraged his wife to take the hospice route to alleviate his anger in his life. After the decision was made, I turned to the kind Nurse and said, “load him up on Morphine and Aitvan please, we are going for a ride.” I traveled with him in the back of a transport van to the hospice house and never looked back, only forward. He looked like he was at peace. I was in Arizona at the right time to help him find the love he had lost so many years ago.