352-Circle Back. My Transformation

I am starting to like this room now, and around three months ago, it transformed my healing practices. I woke up that morning wondering what my shift was going to be this time. What stressors? What kind of patient load? Are we going to be short staffed? Who is going to be my teammate? Are they going to be able to handle their patient load? As you can read, I am already setting myself up negatively. I came into work that day and I was assigned to a 1:1. This was the first time in my 14 years, I only had one patient! So, I was actually excited for the opportunity because I could focus all of my attention on this patient. My patient was a man in his thirties with suicidal ideation. In the past, I would not have had the time to get down to the roots of these suffering individuals, simply, because I did not have time. I arrived at my destination, 352. A little hesitant due to the room number, of course, however, suicidal ideation, I know how this feels.

My patient was sleeping. I obtained a report he had an alcohol abuse problem and he had suffered a seizure. Past thinking would have been, “Here we go again.” Give them some ativan, make them sober, and discharge. Good luck to your future! My thoughts were different today because it was just Him and Me. As I was watching him sleep, he was jerking the whole time. I knew instantly this was not restful sleep, you actually become more exhausted because you are fearing or fighting in your lucid dreams. They feel real. If you have had bad thoughts for a long time, it gets worse and worse, I would know. I lived it. He woke up sweating, looked over at me, and I introduced myself. I told him, I was there for Him all day. “I haven’t slept in a very long time,” he said. So, I paged the MD to get him some different medications to help. MD was hesitant, however, I told him about my past experience when I couldn’t sleep, so I was able to obtain the right ones. I gave them to him, however, he was still jerking, but slept for a couple hours. He woke up refreshed, he had thought, he slept for 14 days. He took a shower, and he had a psych consult over the computer. I looked at him and I told him to be honest with what he is going through and to tell the pysch MD. I asked if I could sit in with him and the MD, and he agreed. Why did he agree? Because, he just slept for 14 days, and he trusted me.

I listened when he was talking to the pysch MD. He had been drinking for many months because he lost his job due to COVID. He was a culinary guru. He went to culinary school AND had also a degree in Sociology. I was amazed at his educational background and talent. He was being honest though, which made him very emotional. After the consult, I told him, “I am proud of you.” “Brooke, I don’t want to be like this.” “I know.” I gave him a big hug and we both cried. I could feel his sadness, his depression, his demons…..I felt….me. I also knew he was going through withdrawals, which makes it 100 times worse. This I do not know from personal experience, just from my thousand patient experiences before. “Brooke, I’m cold, can I have more blankets please?” He had like 1000 blankets on him. Ok, not a thousand, but the weight of the blankets calmed him. It was a constant hug.

He fell asleep, and I did something I had never done before. I called his Mom. I wanted background information. He was the youngest of three, Mom worked full time plus more, no Dad present. She started crying. “Brooke, I tried to be there for him, but I had to work. Did you know he saved his brother from drowning when he was a kid? He has the purest heart.” I informed her of the current situation and gave her a little information on his experience of what he had been going through this past year. ” I want to help.” she replied. “Ok, what would help him?” I asked. “He has a culinary job waiting for him, but his boss knows he drinks and will not take him if he knew.” “Well, he had a seizure, so we are getting him on the right medications for his seizures.” I hope this would prompt her to call his boss about his seizure activity and that he was going to be a couple days late. I asked her again on what else she could do to help him going forward. “He lives in a basement apartment with a lot of bottles and cans. I could go clean it while he is in the hospital. It would be one less thing for him to do.” “Perfect.” I replied. “Brooke, tell him I love him and it’s not his fault.” “Of course.” I replied.

I went back and sat in my chair watching him sleep. It was the most peaceful sleep I had seen him have. When he woke up, I told him I talked to his Mom and we had a plan to get him to his job and his Mom loved him very much. He started crying and said, “Thank you and I love you.” I felt he needed to know it wasn’t his fault, however he needed guidance, and the love of His Mom to motivate him to crawl out of the darkness he had been put in. He didn’t intentionally put himself there, it was circumstantial, and he didn’t have control of what COVID did. Alcohol was his band aid and it snow balled him into me, to help him and I can only hope for him in the future.

It was the end of my shift, I told him I would see him someday at his new job or around, and to keep thinking positive thoughts. Also, I told him he was needed by people including his Mom, his friends, and his daughter whom I had found out about. “Never give up.” “See you around, my friend.”

My roommate a couple of years ago bought me a weighted blanket for my anxiety. I used it a couple times. So, when I got home, I instantly knew who needed it more. I delivered the blanket the next day to a peer to take to my room, 352. I am hopeful for him, and I sure hope I will see him one day.

Don’t judge people for their past experiences. You do not have a clue until you do your own research. By the way, do you know that birds are singing for you? Remember, you are the one listening.