Numbed Out

I never in my life would imagine I would see so many deaths. I can’t even count the number of times I have watched someone take their last breath. In my nursing years, I looked at death as, ” a get out of jail free card.” You no longer have to suffer, you no longer have to feel, and you no longer have to stress. But, then I realized this was a way to look at death in a negative way. I, myself was ready to be done with this cruel world. Patient’s who meant the world to me and instilled such deep meaning of life into me, left me. They left me with their hopes and dreams, and I was so angry that a disease process took them away from me, but foremost, their families. Us, nurses, always ask each other, “Why is it the good ones that suffer?” Great question. Do they fear that something is going to happen to them from the very beginning and they manifest it to becoming true? Or, is it environmental hazards? Ongoing stress? Diet? Genetics? Lifestyle choices? PTSD? Anxiety? Depression? The list can go on and on. You have to ask yourself, “What lifestyle am I living right now and is it going to affect my/your days ahead?” What are you doing right now to make your life better?

I had a patient who was 19 years old. In my 15 years as a nurse, this was my youngest patient yet. To watch a 19-year-old slip away from me and knowing I couldn’t do anything to heal him was one of the worst things I have experienced. Day in and day out, I knew deep down he wasn’t going to make it. To try and keep a stoic face on for a month, maybe more was draining. And, why I say maybe more than a month is because I have numbed myself out from thinking about it until now. His nose bleeds were never ending, his blood counts not trending the right way after chemo. I would go to bed at night and put it out to the universe, “Please don’t make him/me go through this again.” Because as nurses, we do feel what our patient’s are going through. If we are truly present, we can interconnect in a way where we do feel in some degree, what a soul is feeling. I didn’t have faith back then and I would chalk up everything he went through as a failure on my part. I felt helpless. I took it personally, and it mentally and physically drained me. I let it, that was on me.

When I woke up in the morning and I was back to try and be a hero, I would tell myself, “Ok. Brooke. 12 hours. Nothing is going to happen to him for 12 hours, he is going to have a good day. Just get me through 12 hours without something big happening.” Well, guess what that created? His nights being miserable. I would consciously think in my head and was selfish to think only 12 hours while I took care of hm. I should have been actively thinking 24 hours, 48 hours, 72 hours. My friend at the time would have the night shift after me and when I was back, she had a long night with him because everything that could go wrong did. She is an amazing nurse and could handle it. We never talked about him much afterwards. We diverted the situation until I went to see him at home, resting peacefully, getting ready for his new life and she asked if he was comfortable. Yes, finally.

He fought so hard and so long. He made the choice at 19 to be done and went in peace. I went to his house to say good bye and seeing him relaxed and at peace made me realize, “maybe, I did do my job right.” You have to take every day and find the good in it even though some days the negatives outweigh the positives. But, once you find something positive, you need to hold on to it to fight the ever ongoing occurring negativity. Now, when people ask me, “How do you do your job, Brooke?” I feel deep down inside and know when I am at a dying soul’s side, I was meant to be there to end whatever suffering or stress they still might be holding on to. To tell them, “it is going to be ok, ” because I know it truly is. We were not put here to suffer. We were put here to make a difference in multiple lives, whether we know it or not. Everyone has the same goal in life, which is to find happiness to be free from anger, manage stress, or end suffering. People in our circle we go too, make it easier for us to accomplish this. They were put here for you. Remember that.