Anxiety vs. Depression

I feel these two feelings are intertwined. The more anxiety I have, I shut down, and I become lifeless. If I feel I have a to do list that is ongoing and I can’t even comprehend completing those multiple tasks, I used to go to bed. I would sleep all day. I would medicate myself because I felt anxious due to the fact things wouldn’t be perfect, things didn’t work out, a relationship was on the rocks, or I just didn’t like life that day. I believe anxiety creates depression. Throughout these years I have been taught that I needed to be the best, I needed to be full life, I needed to be happy, I needed to smile all the time, I needed to be okay. I had to make it look good in order to create happiness. Deep down, my insides were dark, I wasn’t happy, I didn’t want to wake up to know I wouldn’t accomplish my list of things I wanted to do. It was too much. I never granted myself the freedom to feel okay with not getting tasks accomplished.

If you make a list, make it obtainable. People tell me how good it feels to checkmark things off a list. If you have something big to accomplish one day, make it that one thing, don’t add more to your list. You will be going backwards instead of forward if you keep adding. So right now, enough is enough. Why do we feel the need to be perfect? It’s instilled in us. Intentionally? Maybe, maybe not. Getting A’s in school, succeeding in sports, getting into college, obtaining that degree; has absolutely not got me where I am today. What got me here today was going through anxiety and depression, feeling my lows, creating my highs, all of my life experiences, drinking and feeling like crap, making mistakes, failing at friend/romantic relationships. All of these creations and more made me into who I am today. If I had a Brooke come down from somewhere saying that she is going to replace me, would I be happy and feel ok passing the Brooke baton. Not yet.

I still have so much more to give because I have just found out who I really am. I have let materialistic things go, I have let my past beliefs on how I think people should be, and let that go. I can only meet people where they are at and find the positive, if they have it. If not, I am moving on. I will only surround myself with others who make me a better person, who make my successes known to other people because they are happy and proud of me. In the past, I have let people go that made me a better person. Why? I didn’t think I was good enough. I was fearful because they were more successful than me not only with their life, but their relationships. They were happy with who they were. I knew I wasn’t there yet. I ran away. I made it up in my head that they didn’t want the best for me. I felt they were going behind my back to make my life miserable. They weren’t. In my head, I made all of this up, I believed it, and I made it real, but it wasn’t. I was the one failing me, creating depression and anxiety.

So, getting back to anxiety and depression. We need to find what makes us happy. We need to find what makes us less anxious, less depressed. We ultimately make our decisions. You are in your own head. Your thoughts are your thoughts. You own them. You may feel people instill bad or self doubt into you, but you are the one letting it in. Take ownership for your actions, your thoughts. If you need help, seek it. Seek it in the right places, in the right people. If you don’t like what you are doing right now, change it. Easier said then done, right? I don’t know, start doing it and maybe it’s just easier to just do it then just talk about it. Create action. Create purpose for yourself. Be creative. Be you.