On the Run….Again

Just got back from a run. I had two orthopedic surgeons tell me I would never be able to run again due to my knee surgeries. What does that do to your mental health? When you have doctors keep telling you what you can’t do, but they should be focusing on what you can do by encouraging your mindset to a healthy version. I’m not saying all doctors focus on the negative. Some are encouraging, some want the best for you, and some are just straight up honest. I want the straight up honest. Maybe, the ortho docs were being honest. Maybe…it was what I needed. Only took me 10 years to get back to running. Where does the time go? Mine was telling myself, I couldn’t do it over and over again until it become true and real. What changed?

I told myself I can do it. I envisioned myself running again without knee pain. I envisioned my ligaments and cartilage to grow again. Okay, Brooke…this is bullshit. You can call me out when you have tried so hard to visualize yourself in a positive mindset of what you can do and let go of what you can’t do. If it doesn’t work, you know how to get a hold of me. I’m currently weaning myself off of a nighttime medication. I woke up this morning feeling anxious, numb, stressed, depressed. My credit card got hacked, I feel like crap, and I was going back to my old habits. This is called… coming off medications. I started feeling sorry for myself and my old voices were hounding me to take the medication. You’ll feel better. Yeah, I know I will feel better by going back the the medications, but I want to show people that you can get off of them. So here I am, shaking (don’t know if it is from the run or writing about coming off meds and wanting the edge to go away). Could go either way right now. It’s from the run because I am telling my thoughts, “what medication?” I don’t take it anymore.

I had a nurse coach session with a peer from class today and thank goodness I did. She had a phrase that stood out to me during me being coached. “Trust the process.” I was all over the place with my conversation. I couldn’t focus, things were going wrong. Work is hard. Everyone at work is tired. On and on I went. I needed to be heard. I needed to talk it out. After the session, I still felt like crap, however, that one phrase keeps coming back to me. Trust…..The…..Process. People tell you things at the right time if you really listen. They are your guides in life. Why we have to be social. Our minds grow more and more when you are communicating with the right kind of people. Choose the right tribe who question your thought process. Also, they always end the conversation with, ” I am here, if you need me.”

Ok, so from experience of coming off 12 medications in my life, I know how hard it is. I know the side effects, and I know first hand how much easier it is to just take one, to feel better. Ease the grueling process. On the other hand, weaning myself off of the medications, I feel like shit first, but I want to live now more than ever, colors are more vibrant, conversations have meaning. When you are ready, you will know. You will have this outlook on life of being healthy, serving others, taking on stress and telling yourself, it will be ok. You will have others tell you it is ok, but ultimately, you are the one that has to tell yourself. No one else. You have to go within, to find your true happiness, and once you find it, no one can take it from you. It’s yours.