Failure or Stepping Stone?

So, in my last post, I informed you I was going to quit with pharma pills. I was going to be done with my night medications. Let me tell you how that went. Terrible. Coming off meds is one of the hardest things one must endeavor. Was I successful? Did I fail? Both. How can you do both? See, it’s all on how you look at things. In my mind these days, failing over and over again is going to get you to success. It may take many different paths, but you will get there. I was off my medications for five days and I tried everything from natural supplements, meditation, and visualizing myself sleeping throughout the night. My nights were filled with light sleep from a half an hour at at time to an hour, and many awakening minutes in between the minimal sleep cycles. My face broke out, night sweats, terror, vivid dreams. After four nights, I was driving and I missed my turn a couple times. I felt out of sort. My mind was elsewhere. I was supposed to work after my six days off and I was awake at 2:30 in the morning. I called in because if I couldn’t even drive, how was a supposed to make critical decisions on patient lives? When I had my phone in hand to call off work, I felt like a failure. One of my peers got on the phone and said, “Brooke, take something. You need your sleep.” That was my reminder that it was okay to take what works for me right now! I am not ready, YET. I will be, but not just yet.

During this time where I wasn’t sleeping, I became very depressed and not in align with life. I ran a couple times, but it helped for a bit and I was back to feeling like I wasn’t worth anything because I was so hard on myself that I couldn’t sleep without my meds. I felt I let you all down. I told you I was going to do something, and I didn’t accomplish my goal. I knew I was going to have to write this post to inform you; and I was embarrassed at first, but that is my mind telling me I should be ashamed. I told some of my close friends I wasn’t successful and they were supportive in the fact that maybe it’s not the right time. It doesn’t mean I am not going to keep trying. During this past week, I would go back to the day where I didn’t need any medications to sleep. I could do it on my own. So, I would lay in my bed thinking, “Well, I did it before, I should be able to do it again.” This played over and over in my head. This is called anxiety turning into insomnia, turning into a failure, turning into not being able to function during the day. It’s a waterfall for disaster, not only mentally, but physically. If your body doesn’t get enough rest, your body fails you. Your mind tells you negative things when it is cloudy. When your mind has clarity, it feeds more positive thoughts and emotions.

You must fail multiple times to become successful. To become successful, you have to take those failures, embrace them, and ask yourself, “Ok, what other avenue can I take for next time, to become more successful?” Failures in relationships…I chalk them up as something better is out there for me, not, “What did I do wrong?” You cannot dwell on the past to become successful in the future. You can only live in the present moment to make decisions that are purposeful for you, right now, in this moment. You have no idea what the future looks like, until you live it. I will keep trying different things to help me sleep and be hopeful for a successful outcome. But, for right now, sleep is very important to me because I function better, I don’t become depressed, and my anxiety is at ease. I have energy, I have the will to do better and that my friend, is all I need.

Side note: I received my property taxes and I think this is the first time I have seen it itemized, or I am just recognizing it. Mental health for the public is $2.08 dollars and cents. What?! My highest taxes are elementary general and high school general at $408.90 and $180.02. Does this include great mental health? Can the average teen change a tire? Does the average teen know the difference between social media and real life? How much mental care is being used for “general?” No where in the itemized tax detail does it say mental health care for our up and coming society. Do parents have a say in what they want their kids to learn to prepare them for real life experiences? Vocational and technical schools $5.92 dollars. Mind blown.