Judgement Day

I was at work yesterday and I have been so confused in what I want to do going forward. Anxiety kicks in full force and I become numb. Why? Fear of the unknown. I just can’t shake it off sometimes. When I am at work, I become this motivated individual and I think to myself all the things I want to complete in my life, and I have a plan, then when I get home….nothing. I become anxious, which creates depression, then my bed becomes my safe place again. I can’t do this anymore! I had a conversation with my friend regarding this matter. Why are we are best selves at work? We both came to the conclusion, we aren’t happy at home. Plain and simple. I came home last night and looked around, and didn’t think this was the right answer. I am super grateful for my house, the people in my life, my animals, and all the opportunities that are coming my way. But, why do I feel powerless at home?

So, I asked Ryan. He always keeps it simple and in tune. I asked him, “Why do I feel depressed at home?” “Why can’t I motivate myself to do the things I think of at work which, would progress my life in a good way?” Answer: At work, your mind is focused and determined to become the best you can be and when you get home, you are mindfully exhausted. You separate yourself from work to home. Why does this happen?! I have been suffering it for years. It is because I am around people at work and usually by myself at home. Nobody to entertain ideas or tasks too. Don’t get me wrong, I do like my alone time, but sometimes it gets way to lonely. However, I don’t want to give in that I am not a strong person. I know I am, but you don’t have to be all the time. Humanity needs humanity. Why can’t I get up in the morning when I first wake up? Why don’t I want to take on the day proactively like I do at work? These are all the questions that I am sure you have as well.

I woke up this morning and told myself to be motivated. Mind games. I did wake up at 4:30 a.m. and didn’t fully arise till 7:30. What the hell am I going to do at 4:30 in the morning? Research has shown that morning is the most innovative time for your mind. I am completely shunning this research sometimes. I have to find a way to want to get up on my days off and be successful. So, what did I do today? Well, I cleaned house because I know I do better in completing what I want to do if the house is clean. Just a known fact about me. Then, I watched some of the MSU game. Yikes! Not a great game, but they made it to the championship! While they were fighting the fight, I started thinking about my goals. My graduation for nurse coaching is coming up and I tuned in and know, this is the path I want to take. I want to become my own nurse entity. I don’t want to be owned by others. Not saying that my workplace is bad. It got me to where I am today. Made me realize I want to do more for my own health and help others grow to who they want to be. So, I invested in a new printer and I invested in a entrepreneur course through my nurse coaching group!

My goal is getting started. I am laying the foundation and will build from here. I just need to keep in mind that I need to become the change I want to see. No one else can do this for me. I will manifest my dreams and write them down. However, writing them down is only the first step. The higher powers at be gave you a body to complete them. You cannot just simply write them and wait for them to occur. You have to put this body in motion. I need to keep repeating this to myself everyday! I have been in healthcare for 16 years, time to create a better system.

I also was judged yesterday for my vaccine outlook. Switching gears here for a moment. It was brought to my attention that my vaccine status was being communicated by a former peer to her patients. Well, she was spreading misinformation. My mind went wild for a couple hours. I was perplexed. Why would she be spreading information that wasn’t correct? By the way, I am not anti vax, I am pro choice. People love drama. It’s so much easier to talk bad about someone else than to keep it to yourself. The old Brooke, would have got on my phone and been like, what the hell? I took the time to process this bump in the road. I haven’t spoken to this individual in about a year and what is the point in putting energy into this? A waste of energy, a waste of time. If she thrives of communicating misinformation, that is on her. I can’t fix it. I don’t judge her for it. I just hope she completes her research next time. Because the next person might not be so forgiving. Remember, karma is not fun when it is the bad karma circling back at you. I wish the person well and will be hopeful for her to not judge others on their decisions.

On to a new adventure for me! I am excited and very scared. I will have my dark days thinking I am not good enough, but that is on me, no one else. The good days like today, makes it worth it. You are your own worse critic. Do not listen to outside noise, because it is the inside noise….that counts.