Internal Judgement

So, this has been a road trip not only for vacation, but for self development. As situations were building up back home it was good to get away and be able to set aside and forget the pressures that were increasing. Not only relationship wise, but the continuing change of the job front. As relationships end, we immediately are thrown out to the vulnerable world again and it is just plain difficult. Even for me! I may seem like a pretty put together confident person, but when it comes to dating, or meeting a new guy, I become silent. My wall comes up and I feel I need to do the Heisman stance because I am scared to death that I am not good enough! This is called internal judgement. We internalize our own feelings so much, we start doubting ourselves, and we have done nothing wrong! In my past relationships, I have settled. My past relationships except for one, there were no butterflies, they were just good wholesome guys who accepted me for who I am. It was easy most of the time. It became comfortable. It went from ordinary to ordinary. Relationships need to be extraordinary for me to keep that feeling of wanting more. We want to feel wanted, to feel needed, and to feel connected with another person.

The only way we can feel whole, is if we feel it within our soul. We need to be complete and comfortable with the person who we are, in order to share it with others. I don’t know if I am there YET. I still have lots of work to do. I totally admit, I am not good at relationships. I have to keep typing this because I need to find the deep root inside myself which creates my anxiety towards new partnerships. I feel it just boils down to self confidence. I am 38, almost 39 and I sit here and think to myself, “Why not me?” I do feel confident at times, but I am scared to say the wrong thing or give too much of my vulnerability to someone because I feel it will be too much for them. So, do we hold back and test the waters and see where we can dip in once in awhile and see if it is ok? And if we get the go ahead vibe, we give a little more and test it some more. This seems so tedious and anxiety provoking. Which is where I am at.

I just finished up at a nursing coach conference and there were 197 women and 3 men. I had the opportunity to talk with one of the guys there, who was older and I was just waiting for the moment to ask the question, “how much is too much when you first meet someone?” I needed a guy’s point of view. His answer, ” Be yourself, and be open, don’t pour your heart all out at first, you have to give it time,” “You need to trust yourself first and know you are good enough before letting it all out.” “Take steps.” Smart answer, not totally what I wanted to hear, but needed. Who he was referring to was me, I need to give myself time, I need to know I am good enough, and I need to take steps. Relationships are a two way street you see. They can be perceived as a reflection. People who are on the same vibration as you are reflective of you. You attract who you are.

That is why relationships change. If you are putting in the effort to make yourself better, more positive, more self confident, then you will attract a positive and self confident partner. It is scary because their self confidence may make you feel less, but it is actually a mirror image. You attracted it! Take ownership of it. Stop internalizing your feelings of if you are good enough. You are good enough! If they cease the communication, the vibe was off, it wasn’t meant to be. No fault on either party, you weren’t in alignment with each other. The biggest take away here is get out of your head and into your heart. Keep your heart growing stronger because someone will feel it someday and when that day comes, you will know. That is what I keep telling myself. Be a better you in order to meet the best version of yourself. It’s coming.