Am I Lost?

So, I dropped down to part time at work because I wanted to create more space for a coaching practice, or did I? Or am I just so done with modern medicine and the fact I just throw pills at people to heal them? I am feeling a little lost on what I am supposed to be doing. My anxiety was so high for the last week, I made myself physically sick. If you are not healthy mentally, your physical well being goes to shit. I slept for 30 out of 48 hours. I had a call with my coach which helped because I was able to talk about why I am putting on the brakes with so many avenues. I was making excuses rather. Still am. Why do we make excuses when we know the end result would be so much better? Fear. Fear of being unsuccessful, fear of not making enough money, fear of failure. It’s all in our minds. Successful people have failed so many times, but they keep getting back up.

I just wish this world didn’t revolve around money. What would that look like? A lot less stress is what that would look like. Things are costing more, people are on edge due to financial restraints. The hospitals are full because people are stressed and this is exacerbating their chronic conditions. Life just feels unfamiliar right now. I am having my good days, but then I get home to the house by myself and my mind is running wild. I thought I was ok with being by myself. I used to be, what is different? Well, my new relationship that includes younger additions. They are opening my eyes to imagination and they ask really good questions. They are innocent and just want to be loved. So, they make me curious and they make me not want to be by myself. The starting of a new journey, and I always told myself I would not date anyone who had kids. Well, never say never.

This experience has really opened up my eyes and my need to not be selfish. My answer for not having kids was, ” I am just a selfish person.” “I like my space.” Pretty narrow minded in my thinking back then. Do I wish I would have had my own kids? That would be a no. Being a Mom was just not in the cards for me during this lifetime. I know I would have had struggled with major anxiety, which would have turned into depression, and that would not have been fair for my significant other or kids. However, since working on myself for the last five years, I have grown exponentially in a way people do not understand. I came out different. I look at things differently. I try my hardest to not sweat the small stuff. I can’t do it. I went to part time because I know there is more to life than just work. People are waking up to it. We have put our heads down for so long, we are missing what life is all about. Experiences.

As of right now, I don’t know where my path is leading. I am lost. It’s just a phase. The reason my surroundings are so unfamiliar is because I am looking at life differently. It’s called leveling up. It’s unknown territory because you appreciate nature, people, and your experiences differently. I am looking at life as a teacher. I am constantly learning and being grateful for the teachings. Colors are brighter, however, you feel lost because you are actually waking up and some things such as politics, big pharma, and what they teach in schools is not adding up. There is a change coming and I am here to embrace it and support whoever may need it. We were put on earth to learn difficult lessons. We were also put here to help one another with our journeys which are actually collective in the end, because all we want to know at the end of the day, is know we did our best. We want to feel secure, we want to be loved, and most important, we want to know we are enough. Am I lost? No, you are always right where you need to be.