No Regrets

I have been in a funk lately. I lost one of my favorite patient’s and I cut a close relationship out of my life. I am grieving. However, I feel lighter cutting this person out of life who created unintentional stress. The reason I am saying unintentional is because they have not gone through the mindset work, I have completed, so I will give them the benefit of the doubt. Now to one of my favorite patients. She was a hard ass, she was loving Mom, she was stoic. I hadn’t seen her for a while, but when I knew she was back, it was for the end. She was in a wheelchair, and I was walking down the hallway. I avoided her for part of the day because I knew she was going to say all the right things to make me feel good. She said, I was her best nurse out of all the places she was in. I made her tough. I made her feel heard. I made her feel like it was going to be okay. I have heard these words before, and the person I let go of made me think otherwise. I never have truly believed in myself because of a voice telling me, I could have done more. It’s my own voice, telling me I failed because I can’t help the people who don’t have much longer. I feel at fault here and I know they are just feelings, but I have to own them and feel them.

The person I let go has no idea what I have gone through not only at work, but personally. I may have told them my stories, but they were never physically or emotionally there when living these experiences. They kept bringing up the past. If people want to continue to live in the past, let them. They are stuck. I read a study that people who cannot move on from the past are eighty percent more likely to succumb to dementia. The reason why is they are not creating new experiences or being creative. Their brain atrophies because they are negative and want to be in victim mode. Let them. Let them be. You can no longer live in the past because it doesn’t exist. Let them go.

My patient passed on. I asked her if she would have done anything different. She replied, ” I would have cut off this fucking arm when I had the chance.” She had cancer of the bone in her arm.” I cared too much about what people think.” “But, Brooke, there can be no regrets. This is when we learn and grow.” I sat there with her family in the room. “I am not scared to die; I am scared that they will be sad.” I replied, “they will be and that is okay.” “You are a great Mom; you are and will always be their support system. Just because you won’t be here in physical form, you will always be here in a spiritual form.” “I’m ready, Brooke.” I looked at her and said, “We will meet again and thank you for being you.” “Thank you for teaching me to not give a shit what others think of me.” ” I appreciate you.”

People at the end of their life tell you messages you need to hear. And you take these messages and not question them but embrace them. They were meant to be heard by you, for you. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you don’t deserve them and if they do, let them go. I know I have another angel watching over me.